Where's the off switch?

I recently watched Netflix's The Lost Daughter, directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal. No spoilers here! You can keep reading. It's about a woman named Leda, whose children are grown, and now she is watching a young, struggling mom, Nina, which triggers her to have flashbacks to being a young mom herself. I have not read the book it's based on, but I would classify the movie as a drama with minimal action. However, the movie spoke to me and took me back to having three young children and feeling isolated, tired almost all the time, and overwhelmed. It amazes me how this cycle keeps repeating itself from generation to generation and how little support moms receive.

In the movie, Leda really desires to pursue a career; however, she is the default caregiver to her two small daughters, and everything else has to take a backseat. There are scenes in the film where Leda and her husband have career conflicts, and for a reason, we don't know, his career gets to take precedent, and Leda becomes a supporting cast member in building her husband's career. In the movie, Leda makes drastic, unhealthy choices. Like many women, she was put in an impossible, mentally draining, physically exhausting situation and was frustrated at the lack of being able to fulfill her own hopes and dreams.

Whether you work in or out of the home, being a mom is not a 9 – 5 job. Most of my days start at about 6 am and end around 11 pm or later. I really can't tell if smartphones have made being a mom easier or more difficult. My mom wasn't accessible 24/7 by text message or phone when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong, I love being there for my kiddos, but there is really no downtime.

My kids have two households they spend time between. Even when they are with their other parent, mom is still mom. So, I continue to field their questions, hear their feelings and get the day-to-day play-by-play. I do this while keeping up with all the dirty clothes they left behind, attending the sporting and school events, and trying to squeeze in a few extra minutes of sleep, not to mention trying to piece together something of a personal life while at times still shuttling them to and from places.

The Lost Daughter also highlights the horrendous behavior of mom-shaming. I feel as moms, we are all doing the best we can, yet I see this awful behavior a lot. Really, as women, we have not evolved more? Just last week, another mom said to me, your kids spend time with their dad. You're not a full-time mom. I'm I missing the off switch to motherhood somewhere? I didn’t really know how to respond. I simply said, I disagree. This weekend they are at their dad's, and Saturday, I will be driving our daughter 3.5 hours one way for a sports competition. It doesn’t stop based on what home they are sleeping at. This is the type of unnecessary, malicious comment intended to tear down other women.

I have great mom friends and a community that broadly supports each other. Why can't we do more of that, provide more support and love? The women I know that fully and sincerely support other moms are very successful in many accepts of their lives. Being a mom is the best and the most demanding role a person can ever have. It is full of joy, laughter, lots of love, and giggles but balanced with sleepless nights, sick kids, and endless piles of laundry. Having that feeling of community and support is essential in building up moms and, in turn, making great solid kids that will turn into amazing, capable adults. Let’s reach out and build those circles and communities.

Learn Their Language 🥰

The last Saturday of my children’s holiday break, I was tired. We were home following a ski trip that we left for the day after Christmas and returned late that Friday night just before the clock stuck 12 for the New Year. Still running on mountain time, my nine-year-old was nowhere near ready for bed when I was ready to crash.

When we discussed our different energy levels and sleep needs that night, he suggested that I should go to bed and he would play in his room with his new Christmas toys until he was tired enough to fall asleep. He had this gleam in his eye and a slight smile that told me he was super excited about this plan. He’s never gotten to stay up past mom before. He had newfound freedom, and he could not get me tucked into bed fast enough.

I was a little nervous about his plans, given his level of excitement. However, my teen son was still awake, and I knew he would long outlast the nine-year-old, so I was pretty confident the house would remain standing.

He put me to bed and said he would only stay up until 4 am. About 1 am, I felt him crawl on the other side of my bed and quickly fall asleep. He thought he was being sneaky, and this might have been his big plan all along. After all, my bed is his favorite place to hang out, eat, chat with friends, do school during Covid, etc. I think I have made it too comfy, and he is always trying to take it over.

The following day when I woke up way before anyone else, I was slightly annoyed to find all the lights in the house left on. We had a conversation the night before about turning off the lights before going to bed, which is an ongoing conversation I keep having with my teens.

As I was making my coffee, I found a note by the sink in adorable nine-year-old handwriting that said he had done all the dishes because mom is awesome. Since October, our dishwasher has been out of order, waiting for KitchenAid to honor their warranty and fix it. So, mom has been doing a lot of dishes the last few months. Helping mom was what his sneaky smile was all about and how he spent the couple hours he got to stay up past mom.

His kind act of service spoke to my heart. My nine-year-old is fully aware of his mom’s love language, and what a great reminder at the New Year how important it is to connect with the people we love in a meaningful way to them. It’s true that when you do things that speak to someone’s love language, it fills them up with happiness and gratitude.

A few years ago, I read the books The 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman. When I started connecting to my children through their love language, I noticed a change in each of them. I took time to say I see you and you are important. They were filled with love and seemed happier. They became more agreeable, and we had fewer discipline issues. I made it a goal to do something that speaks to their love language every day. Sometimes all it takes is a text or a few words of affirmation before they walk out the door to face the world. I will make it part of my New Year’s goals to reread this book and again commit to connecting with the people I love the most. Chapman’s, The 5 Love Languages that refers to adult relationships is also a good read.

I'm Sorry

Apologizing is an essential learned skill. I know adults that don't know how to apologize or who seem incapable of sincerely uttering the simple words, I'm sorry. Then there is the other end of the spectrum. People that say I'm sorry all the time at the littlest things. Does it carry the same meaning if it's said constantly? On the other hand, when it is heartfelt and genuine, apologizing is a brave act.

Think about it; it's easier not to say anything and walk away as nothing happened. Then to stand face to face with someone, look that person in the eye, and say I'm sorry. A person who can admit they were too harsh, hurt someone's feelings, or flat out wrong is a person I respect and would want to keep in my life.

My daughter used to say sorry constantly. It became an automatic response for things that didn't even make sense. For example, when asked, can you please pass the ketchup? She would respond with, oh, sorry here. I want to raise a confident child that doesn't feel she needs to apologize for everything. So, I started kindly pointing out to her every time she said sorry that she was using the word unnecessarily. I also started bringing up in conversation that when you overuse the word, it loses its meaning and would give examples of situations that truly warranted an apology.

I was surprised how quickly my daughter stopped overusing the word sorry once she realized how often she said it. Another outcome I wasn't expecting, she started sincerely apologizing for valid reasons, which wasn't always the case before. She is not a morning person. Everyone in our house knows this, and she can be snappy and irritable. I know shocking from a teenage girl. We clear the way and let her do her thing. On those days, which are getting less and less, I now get a heartfelt apology for her owning her behavior and how it impacted everyone else.

As brave as it is to apologize sincerely, I think it might take more courage to return to a conversation to apologize and reset. It’s never too late to revisit a conversation. We all have had conversations/interactions that weren't so hot or were hot at the moment, especially spending so much time together through a pandemic. One afternoon my daughter brought me a coffee that had I'm sorry written on it for something that had happened earlier that day. Coffee and a big hug solve just about anything.

I continue to have conversations with my children about apologizing. It is a life skill they need to learn. The sibling apology with no eye contact and the begrudged, I'm sorry, said under their breath doesn't count. They absolutely should acknowledge they did something worthy of an apology, sincerely express their remorse and offer a resolution in an attempt to fix the situation and repair the relationship with the other person. It's ok to make mistakes, feel ashamed, humiliated, and guilty. These are all normal human emotions. An apology is a great way to recover and move forward and not get stuck in those feelings.