Love and independence

Being in a relationship and being your independent self is a delicate balance. This is true of any relationship, but more so in a romantic connection. Maybe we have fairytales and movies to blame for thinking you must give every part of yourself to someone else to be in love. In reality, you don’t even need a significant other to be truly happy.

You are the only person responsible for your happiness or lack thereof. Thinking you need a partner to be fulfilled is silly. The right partner compliments and enhances your life but doesn’t complete it. However, getting lost in the endorphins of love does feel good. You can indulge in those feelings without losing your independence.

Keep your hobbies and interests. Don’t set them aside when Mr. Wonderful comes along. Still, make your interests a priority. Your partner should also be able to pursue their interests.

Make plans with friends independent of your partner. Once you make plans, keep them. If he is Mr. Wonderful, he’ll understand you’re a person who doesn’t ditch your friends, and he won’t expect an invite or interrupt you during this time.

Spend time alone. Go on a trip, have a movie/writing night, or whatever interests you. It’ll give your partner time to miss you and give you more to talk about. You are a much more interesting person when you can do things independently.

Be an independent thinker. It’s nice occasionally to bounce ideas off someone, but you also should be able to make decisions independently. Your partner doesn’t need to know every thought, every moment. Please don’t text and call them 100 times a day.

Creating space in your relationship for both to be individuals enhances the relationship, and all those love endorphins are even more potent.

Parenting adult college kids

Parenting a college student takes lots of patience, understanding, and love. They are adults but still need and, for the most part, want your guidance but also want their independence.

The first few months were uneasy. This is the first time they are independent, and you don’t always know where they are, who they are with, or if they are safe. I am aware there is an endless supply of drugs, alcohol, and bad people on all college campuses. I don’t have blinders on.

It has gotten easier. She survived the first year, even with a campus shooting. There are many moments when I bite my tongue and remind myself this is her life. She must make mistakes to determine how to succeed and be resilient. Most of the things I wanted to comment on worked themselves out. Someday, she will learn tattoos are forever, or at the very least, painful to remove.

Here are my top tips for parenting your college student.

1. Pick up the phone. I have my daughter’s calls set to ring through, no matter what. They still come through if my phone is silent or do not disturb. Sometimes, I cannot answer the phone, but I try to answer her calls as much as possible. I want her to be comfortable calling me no matter what, and sometimes, she needs to know I am still there even though she doesn’t see me every day. Someday, she will have her own family in her adult life, and the calls probably won’t be as frequent, so I am going to enjoy that she calls now and treasure she always knows she can call Mom.

2. Watch the silly TikToks. I don’t even have the app, but she sends endless videos anyway, and many of them tell me how she thinks/feels or give me a good laugh. And it’s an easy way to connect.

3. Ask how you can help; don’t assume you know. Our adult children’s anxiety/issues are no longer our responsibility to take on. I am okay to listen and give advice when she wants it, but she must be the one to work out this part of her life. Sometimes, she will ask me to do something I know she can do, like composing an email to a professor. I tell her to try it on her own first, and she thrives 99 percent of the time. She just needed some positive encouragement. I constantly remind my children everything works out and that anything is solvable. You always have options, even if it seems like a dead end. If she is overwhelmed, instead of telling her what she should do, I ask how I can help, and often, her answer surprises me, or she wants me to listen.

4. Speak up on the critical parts. If your adult child or anyone else is in danger or their mental well-being is on the line, speak up to get them help. College is a time of so many adjustments that they may not see they need help.

5. Talk to a good friend. This is also a time of a lot of change for you as a parent. Sometimes, talking through situations with a friend who also loves your child and won’t judge them is a must. All those things you need to stay quiet on giving an opinion, vent them out, and let go.

Let others show up for you

I’ve said before I love therapy! My favorite part about therapy is talking to someone who listens, which doesn’t happen often with two teenagers and a 10-year-old, and I get to work out life kinks to achieve happiness and balance. What have I been working on? One big issue is letting others show up for me.

There was a long period in my life when asking for help was met with disgust, and I was made to feel if I needed help, I was less than others, or something was wrong with me. This translated in my head to the idea that I needed to be perfect and handle everything on my own. Mistakes weren’t part of life. They were failures that would be pointed out. I am telling you it is impossible to be perfect, and you will have a shell of a life. I look at pictures of myself from that time, and I no longer recognize that person. I was so drained and so exhausted!

What does letting people show up look like for me?

Telling someone directly you’re unhappy with their behaviors or actions and allowing them to correct things. This means having uncomfortable conversations, which is another thing I am working on in therapy that I will save for a later blog post.

I have done this with a few crucial people and feared they would never talk to me again. My relationships with these individuals grew even closer because we started understanding each other more clearly and learned where the boundaries are within the relationship. All those people have shown up for me in incredible ways since the tough conversations.

All types of relationships are work. If the person is essential to you and you are to them, they should listen and respect you. If they don’t, that’s a red flag that maybe it’s not a relationship you should be a part of anymore.

Ask for help! I was lucky enough to move to a street as a newly single mom with neighbors who have taught me most people want to and are happy to help. I could have just won the neighbor lotto, but most people are kind and generous when given the chance. You are not in this alone. Over 8 billion people are on this planet, and 90% are willing to make your day/life more manageable. As for the other 10%, you don’t need them. You still have over 7 billion people. Let people help you get your mail, take care of all four pets, let the kids play at their place so you can blog, etc. I have discovered that acts of service are one of my love languages.

Since letting others show up for me, I have felt more love and happiness. I especially want my children to see that they don’t have to be perfect and that asking for help is part of life. They can learn the value of errors and corrections, and the world will not fall apart.