To My Second Born

I have a problem with the way people refer to middle children as if they are forgotten or left out. It may be funny to joke about middle children, but as a parent of three, I want all my children to know they are seen, heard, and loved.

It does just so happen that my second-born has an easy-going, go-with-the-flow personality. I can relate to him because I feel I also have a very accommodating, laid-back personality. This is why my grandfather's nickname for me was noisy because compared to my three other siblings, I barely spoke.

I am the second born in my family. Not sure if this is middle child status or not. I think it's just more personality makeup. I don't want my child to be defined as the middle child. Instead, this is what I want him to know.

• You are just as loved and wanted as your siblings.

• Your voice matters. Speak up.

• Don't ever stop believing people are mostly good.

• Your easy-going, peacemaking nature allows you to be a great problem solver, which is a superpower to be proud of.

• Being born in-between your other siblings, you probably know more about what's happening in this family than anyone else. Both your siblings talk to you.

• You have learned you don't have to be the loudest in the room and how to observe people's behavior before reacting.

• You're the one in any situation that can be counted as level-headed and helpful.

• I love that you love surprises and the twinkle you get in your eyes when you genuinely enjoy life. Yes, I notice that and I always see you.

Talking about teen suicide

Recently, my 15-year-old’s iPhone died. To accommodate his busy schedule, I took it without him to the Apple store to try to have it saved. No luck. It was smoked. Before handing over the phone, I opened the wallet on the back to remove his debit card. Under his bank card, I saw a card for the National Suicide Hotline. This made my heart stop more than the price of a new phone.

My mind started racing and thinking about why my son had this card. He seems happy and loves his many activities and sports. What was I missing? He certainly didn’t fit the profile of what I thought someone that would need a suicide prevention card. I am sure parents of children who have ended their lives early may have thought the same thing. We have sadly had a few in our school district. How do I approach this?

Luckily, I had a therapy appointment for myself already scheduled. If you read Ribbons & Wine regularly, I highly recommend finding and using a good therapist. She helped me find the words that I would have hoped to come up with on my own.

When I started the conversation with my son, keeping it as light and casual as possible, he quickly said, “Mom did you turn the card over?” I did not. I was so shocked to see it that I never thought to look at the other side. It was his student ID, and the school had the National Suicide Hotline printed on the back of all the student IDs. I was very relieved but still pressed on with the conversation my therapist helped me put together. In the end, I was very grateful this allowed me to have a meaningful discussion on the complex topic.

Here are my talking points from this crucial conversation. I’m hopeful it will help more parents talk about suicide and resources.

• I am so happy and grateful you have suicide prevention resources.

• If you or a friend are ever struggling with thoughts of suicide or hopelessness, have you thought about what you would do?

• Teenagers can’t always see the bigger picture of life. I understand problems and feelings can seem overwhelming. They will pass. Everything that appears upsetting now might not be in a few days, weeks, or months.

• What trusted adults do you have to go to if you need to talk or a friend needs help? You have so many adults that love and care for you.

• Always take a friend who is upset seriously.

• Teenagers can be impulsive. Suicide is forever.

• We talked about each of our experiences with suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.

Learn more

800-273-8255

Where's the off switch?

I recently watched Netflix's The Lost Daughter, directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal. No spoilers here! You can keep reading. It's about a woman named Leda, whose children are grown, and now she is watching a young, struggling mom, Nina, which triggers her to have flashbacks to being a young mom herself. I have not read the book it's based on, but I would classify the movie as a drama with minimal action. However, the movie spoke to me and took me back to having three young children and feeling isolated, tired almost all the time, and overwhelmed. It amazes me how this cycle keeps repeating itself from generation to generation and how little support moms receive.

In the movie, Leda really desires to pursue a career; however, she is the default caregiver to her two small daughters, and everything else has to take a backseat. There are scenes in the film where Leda and her husband have career conflicts, and for a reason, we don't know, his career gets to take precedent, and Leda becomes a supporting cast member in building her husband's career. In the movie, Leda makes drastic, unhealthy choices. Like many women, she was put in an impossible, mentally draining, physically exhausting situation and was frustrated at the lack of being able to fulfill her own hopes and dreams.

Whether you work in or out of the home, being a mom is not a 9 – 5 job. Most of my days start at about 6 am and end around 11 pm or later. I really can't tell if smartphones have made being a mom easier or more difficult. My mom wasn't accessible 24/7 by text message or phone when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong, I love being there for my kiddos, but there is really no downtime.

My kids have two households they spend time between. Even when they are with their other parent, mom is still mom. So, I continue to field their questions, hear their feelings and get the day-to-day play-by-play. I do this while keeping up with all the dirty clothes they left behind, attending the sporting and school events, and trying to squeeze in a few extra minutes of sleep, not to mention trying to piece together something of a personal life while at times still shuttling them to and from places.

The Lost Daughter also highlights the horrendous behavior of mom-shaming. I feel as moms, we are all doing the best we can, yet I see this awful behavior a lot. Really, as women, we have not evolved more? Just last week, another mom said to me, your kids spend time with their dad. You're not a full-time mom. I'm I missing the off switch to motherhood somewhere? I didn’t really know how to respond. I simply said, I disagree. This weekend they are at their dad's, and Saturday, I will be driving our daughter 3.5 hours one way for a sports competition. It doesn’t stop based on what home they are sleeping at. This is the type of unnecessary, malicious comment intended to tear down other women.

I have great mom friends and a community that broadly supports each other. Why can't we do more of that, provide more support and love? The women I know that fully and sincerely support other moms are very successful in many accepts of their lives. Being a mom is the best and the most demanding role a person can ever have. It is full of joy, laughter, lots of love, and giggles but balanced with sleepless nights, sick kids, and endless piles of laundry. Having that feeling of community and support is essential in building up moms and, in turn, making great solid kids that will turn into amazing, capable adults. Let’s reach out and build those circles and communities.