Keep safe and sane

When you experience gaslighting, it's confusing and may take months or years to sort out. There are endless articles, books, and online resources that can provide helpful tips that can leave your head swirling. When is it gaslighting? Here are some tips I have learned in identifying this malicious, manipulative behavior in my own life.

Gaslighting is when someone tells you you're wrong or events didn't happen the way you think they did. It makes you question yourself.

Know that someone using gaslighting is often trying to stop the truth from coming out or wants to have control over you.

People that use this form of abuse are continually defensive. They never acknowledge they are part of the problem; It is always your fault. They will often use phrases that never happened. You made it up. You're mistaken/delusional. It is common for gaslighters to say you're too sensitive, you always cause drama, and you're overacting. If you are continuously blamed for their problems, and they are unwilling to work with you or problem solve a situation and just place blame, that is gaslighting.

Gaslighters tell friends and family (or anyone who will listen) lies to discredit you and create distance between you and others. This behavior is, again, part of the manipulation and control. It's like they have diarrhea of the mouth. They can't stop talking, not allowing others to ask questions to poke holes in their stories. Their stories often change because they twist facts and can't keep them straight. In these stories, you are always the cause of all their problems.

In return, they tell you that everyone is against you, and they think you're an awful person. This makes you question your relationships and creates space that isolates you from others. For example, I have been told the entire community and family members are against me, or specific people the gaslighter has never met.

Once you learn more about gaslighting, you can spot and label this behavior and create boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane. My experience is you begin to have empathy for the abuser. Constantly having to make up stories, keep them straight and not have, fulfilling relationships because they need to have control is a sad way to live life.

As always, I highly recommend seeking professional help like a licensed therapist. You can find one here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

If you are experiencing any abuse, please know there is help. Here are a couple of helpful resources.

800.799.SAFE (7233)

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

Gaslighting and Children

There are so many important conversations to have with our children. One I feel is overlooked is the topic of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that is common in our society and I have seen it shockingly prevalent in children and their interactions. I would guess that most children don't know the term gaslighting, or that it is a form of abuse. As an adult, I have only become aware of it over the last few years. I don’t believe children intentionally try to harm others via gaslighting; but rather are uneducated on what they are doing or are modeling behavior they have experienced. I've even witnessed gaslighting between my own children. The approach I have taken has been to educate my children to not use this malicious tactic and to try to teach them to spot when others are using it on them. If your child is experiencing gaslighting, you may need to consult a professional therapist for advice. I am not a therapist, but I believe it is an important topic so I have put together some talking points I have found useful.

• Gaslighting is when someone tells you you’re wrong or events didn’t happen the way you think they did. It makes you question yourself. An example would be someone called you a name and later they say they never called you a name, you don’t remember that right.
  

• Someone using gaslighting is often trying to stop the truth from coming out or wants to have control over you.
  

• What you think and feel is ok. You should be respectful of what others think and feel.
  

• You do not have control over other people’s thoughts, decisions, and behavior, only your own.
  

• It is not ok for you to tell someone how they perceive or remember events, just as it is not ok for anyone, even adults, to tell you how you remember or perceive events. Of course, there will be different perceptions of how things happened. You should be respectful of how others perceived events, and in return, they should be respectful of your interpretation. In a healthy relationship, you talk about these differences and have empathy for others. You do not try to change or manipulate how someone thinks and feels.
  

• If someone tries to change the way you remember events, tells you that’s not how it happened, or says you are lying, you can say something like:

  • “We disagree, and this is how I see it.”

  • “You can’t tell me how to feel. My feelings are mine.”

  • “I feel like you are not listening to, or hearing me.”

  • “I understand that may be your perspective, but it’s not mine.”

  • “It’s not healthy to tell me how to feel; I need space.”
    

• If you feel like you are being manipulated, you need to talk to a trusted adult to help determine if that is a safe person and a relationship worth continuing.
  

• Relationships should build us up and make us feel good. They should not make us question ourselves or our sanity.