Surviving kids' sports so everyone wins

It’s always entertaining when people ask me if my kids are involved with sports. I start to rattle off the list, and their jaw drops slightly. The kids have always been active, and luckily, it easily fits into our lifestyle. This translates to mom being available 24/7 to chauffeur, flying to highly sought-after destinations (like run-down rinks in the middle of nowhere), and being a master scheduler that can be in three different locations simultaneously.

Thank goodness for the carpool gods and our street having oodles of active kids. Shout out, and big thanks to those moms. However, learning how to become a supportive sports parent was more challenging than getting everyone to where they needed to be.

I got lots of practice with my firstborn, a highly competitive figure skater. Unfortunately, her perfectionist personality often clashed with my go out, have fun, and do your best parenting style. This caused many tears for both of us and motivated me to seek a sports psychologist to help. With professional help and trial and error, I was able to be that pillar she needed to go out and compete against Olympic medalists. Now I can look back and be grateful for these struggles as I am a much more relaxed sports parent for my two younger boys.

My top six tips for surviving kids’ sports, no matter what level.

1. Stay consistent in your reactions. You love your child no matter how they perform. If you react the same, if they do well or not, it shows them that.
   

2. Validate tough losses, don’t brush them off. If I say it’s ok when it isn’t to them, I feel like I am saying the way they feel is not ok. So instead, I will say something like, I can tell from how you are acting that was not the outcome you wanted. It’s ok to feel sad and disappointed; those are normal emotions.
   

3. Just be there with what they need. Keep yourself busy by ensuring they have snacks, water, Bobbie pins, or whatever their sport calls for. If they have everything, they need, you will both be less stressed.
   

4. They don’t have to be the best. Remember, kids all develop at different rates. It’s okay if your child isn’t the best on the team. However, it is essential that they love the sport and want to keep practicing and improving.
   

5. Be a collaborative parent. This means don’t undermine the coach. If you talk badly about a coach in front of your child, they can lose faith in the coach and think they don’t have to listen to them. It’s better to address any coaching issues directly with the coach and work together for a solution.
   

6. Make friends with other parents in the sport. I’m not sure I would survive the ups and downs of competitive skating without our rink family. Rides, emotional support, or advice, you are not alone. You have an entire team.

One of my proudest sports mom moments was when I attended a tennis match, and the coach called me over to show me what court my son was on. The coach said my son was so excited every time I came to watch, and he couldn’t say that about most parents and athletes. Our kiddos know it takes much practice to be good at something. That’s also true about being a good sports parent.

Strong women, we need them

With the passing of a beloved aunt who was the most resilient person I have ever met, I can reflect and be grateful for all the strong women I grew up with and those I have met throughout the years. These women have shaped me. In some cases, I couldn’t fully grasp and understand their strength until I was an adult. The older we are, the more we know how difficult and gritty life can get. To thrive in life, it is essential to have strong women in your life.

The women who inspire me have their life trauma and experiences but still lift others and find joy and celebration. If they have a problem, they don’t dwell in self-pity. Most of them have picked themselves up countless times in unimaginable conditions.

The strongest women I know love and care unconditionally. They don’t expect something in return. They offer empathy and understanding when you have a meltdown or don’t have as much grace in handling situations as you would like to. Yet, they do not judge; they are safe.

I have been asked several times how I am mentally tough and can see the good in bad situations. I have been through circumstances that feel overwhelming. What keeps me going? I have strong women as role models and influencers in my life. It’s me knowing I want the same for my daughter. These women have shown me that true strength is resilience and supporting others.

This is what I have learned. Grab the strong women in your life, hold on to them tight, and know their importance and influence on you. Better yet, be one of those women.

Keep safe and sane

When you experience gaslighting, it's confusing and may take months or years to sort out. There are endless articles, books, and online resources that can provide helpful tips that can leave your head swirling. When is it gaslighting? Here are some tips I have learned in identifying this malicious, manipulative behavior in my own life.

Gaslighting is when someone tells you you're wrong or events didn't happen the way you think they did. It makes you question yourself.

Know that someone using gaslighting is often trying to stop the truth from coming out or wants to have control over you.

People that use this form of abuse are continually defensive. They never acknowledge they are part of the problem; It is always your fault. They will often use phrases that never happened. You made it up. You're mistaken/delusional. It is common for gaslighters to say you're too sensitive, you always cause drama, and you're overacting. If you are continuously blamed for their problems, and they are unwilling to work with you or problem solve a situation and just place blame, that is gaslighting.

Gaslighters tell friends and family (or anyone who will listen) lies to discredit you and create distance between you and others. This behavior is, again, part of the manipulation and control. It's like they have diarrhea of the mouth. They can't stop talking, not allowing others to ask questions to poke holes in their stories. Their stories often change because they twist facts and can't keep them straight. In these stories, you are always the cause of all their problems.

In return, they tell you that everyone is against you, and they think you're an awful person. This makes you question your relationships and creates space that isolates you from others. For example, I have been told the entire community and family members are against me, or specific people the gaslighter has never met.

Once you learn more about gaslighting, you can spot and label this behavior and create boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane. My experience is you begin to have empathy for the abuser. Constantly having to make up stories, keep them straight and not have, fulfilling relationships because they need to have control is a sad way to live life.

As always, I highly recommend seeking professional help like a licensed therapist. You can find one here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

If you are experiencing any abuse, please know there is help. Here are a couple of helpful resources.

800.799.SAFE (7233)

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.loveisrespect.org/