Talking about teen suicide

Recently, my 15-year-old’s iPhone died. To accommodate his busy schedule, I took it without him to the Apple store to try to have it saved. No luck. It was smoked. Before handing over the phone, I opened the wallet on the back to remove his debit card. Under his bank card, I saw a card for the National Suicide Hotline. This made my heart stop more than the price of a new phone.

My mind started racing and thinking about why my son had this card. He seems happy and loves his many activities and sports. What was I missing? He certainly didn’t fit the profile of what I thought someone that would need a suicide prevention card. I am sure parents of children who have ended their lives early may have thought the same thing. We have sadly had a few in our school district. How do I approach this?

Luckily, I had a therapy appointment for myself already scheduled. If you read Ribbons & Wine regularly, I highly recommend finding and using a good therapist. She helped me find the words that I would have hoped to come up with on my own.

When I started the conversation with my son, keeping it as light and casual as possible, he quickly said, “Mom did you turn the card over?” I did not. I was so shocked to see it that I never thought to look at the other side. It was his student ID, and the school had the National Suicide Hotline printed on the back of all the student IDs. I was very relieved but still pressed on with the conversation my therapist helped me put together. In the end, I was very grateful this allowed me to have a meaningful discussion on the complex topic.

Here are my talking points from this crucial conversation. I’m hopeful it will help more parents talk about suicide and resources.

• I am so happy and grateful you have suicide prevention resources.

• If you or a friend are ever struggling with thoughts of suicide or hopelessness, have you thought about what you would do?

• Teenagers can’t always see the bigger picture of life. I understand problems and feelings can seem overwhelming. They will pass. Everything that appears upsetting now might not be in a few days, weeks, or months.

• What trusted adults do you have to go to if you need to talk or a friend needs help? You have so many adults that love and care for you.

• Always take a friend who is upset seriously.

• Teenagers can be impulsive. Suicide is forever.

• We talked about each of our experiences with suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.

Learn more

800-273-8255

What it takes to date a single mom

As a mom of busy kids, dating is not an easy task. I am not sure how Kim K. has done it so fast! Dating a single mom is not for the faint of heart. Even if you find time for a first date, it takes a patient, understanding man with a particular set of qualities to hang in there.

Ladies, it is ok and recommended to have expectations and know what you want. However, the best things happen when you don't expect them, and when you both understand the expectations, it is so worth the effort, magical. So here are my top tips for dating a single mom.

Make plans. I am always making plans for several people and figuring out logistics. I am looking for a partner, not another child, to take care of. You don't have to constantly be the one coming up with fun/romantic dates, but it can't be all on the woman.

Make my life easier. If you make it feel more complicated with games or half-truths, I don't have time for that. I have learned that being honest and upfront about who you are is the best approach.

A man who voluntarily rubs my feet, and it's not a chore to him, is keeper potential. Ok, so this could be awkward on the first date.

I am not available on demand, nor should any woman be. I have people depending on me and may need me at all hours. When a teenager has a problem, talking through it may take hours. I can't always respond immediately to text messages, phone calls, and dates may be delayed or canceled. It does not necessarily mean I am not interested.

Be exciting and intellectual. There are never enough hours in my day. So if you are getting my attention, make it enjoyable and don't just talk about work or the weather. It makes me daydream of how I could have spent my free time instead snuggled in bed catching up on the Netflix series everyone else has time to watch or with my girlfriends giggling and drinking wine. Better yet, make me laugh on a date.

I have many superpowers; mind reading is not one of them. I want a partner who can tell me what they think and feel. If I am left to wonder or guess, my mind will start to daydream about better ways I could be spending my time, like getting my favorite takeout, a hot bubble bath, cleaning out my closets, etc.

Yes, I have a fun, exciting life. But, no, you don't get to instantly be a part of that. I have a tight inner circle. You may someday be there, but it does not happen after date one, 2, or even 10. I have put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into building such an extraordinary life for myself and my kiddos. I am not going to allow just anyone into that life. Earn my trust first, by all the above.

My favorite dateline has been, "Do you fancy an ice cream?" This made me laugh out loud because it was so simple and fun. He did get a date, and several after, although he still owes me ice cream. Dating has its ups and downs but can be a fun, enjoyable process. Enjoy!

My top 5 divorce tips for happiness

Some of the highest-read stories on Ribbons & Wine are me addressing my life post-divorce. When starting Ribbons & Wine, I wanted to include I was divorced and maybe some sprinkles about post divorced life, but I didn't want to make it a focus. However, since launching the site, Instagram, and Facebook pages, I have had people reach out to me for advice on many topics around divorce. Of course, I wasn't expecting to provide divorce advice, but knowing how overwhelming the process can be, I am grateful I can help.

Divorce is a subject that is often not talked about because it has a negative taboo, which can make going through the process lonely, scary, and confusing. I want others to hear that you can have a fuller, happier life even despite a divorce. Yes, divorce is challenging on families, and I wish everyone could have that fairytale happily-ever-after life, but that's not always possible or in your best interest. Here are my best tips for building a happy life during and post-divorce.

1. Choose to be happy. You are in charge of your happiness. Letting anyone else decide how you feel is giving them too much power. Instead, keep a positive mind that you will be fine, and everything will work out. I find meditation, physical activity (such as running/working out), and listing my gratitude’s each day helps me stay focused on all the blessings in my life and multiples my happiness.
   

2. Surround yourself with a few good people. The rest of the world doesn't need to hear your entire divorce story. Have a couple of good, trusted friends you can turn to unload, vent, and move on. You can have more friends but invest in fun and live a good life with those friends, that doesn't include dwelling on the past. Make them part of your future hopes and dreams. You have an excellent opportunity to build your dream life.
   

3. Hire a trusted attorney. I knew nothing about divorce. It didn't even cross my mind I would have to know anything before. Suddenly, I needed an attorney. My first attorney was indeed a fighter, and I respect her for that, but I felt lost in the process. I never knew what to expect or what was going on. I switched attorneys to someone that could answer all my questions and explain the process. She knows what my goals are, and we work together as a team. I feel respected and listened to; she's not just out to bill me. She wants the best for my children and me. Take your time and interview as many attorneys as you need to feel good about working with them.
   

4. Find a good therapist/life coach. I love therapy! An hour to talk about anything I want to, and this person has to listen to me. If you have kids, you know you can talk and talk and feel like no one hears you. I'm lucky because my therapist not only listens to me, but she is also a gifted life coach and offers solutions I wouldn't have thought of to make life easier. We have more patients, love, and empathy for others when we feel heard. Ask friends for referrals; that's how I found mine. Some websites can help and online reviews. Such as psychologytoday.com or betterhelp.com.
   

5. Keep your head high and keep being you. My wish would be that divorce goes smoothly and the contention melts away and both parties can find peace and happiness. Unfortunately, that rarely happens, or I hear it takes time. My main focus has always been my children, which has never changed. I want them to be happy, prosperous, and have integrity. I think about how I want them to see me behave, which may not always be how I want to react to a situation. There are always two sides to every story, and I can't control anyone else's narrative, but I can control how I respond and set a healthy example that stays true to who I am and my core values.

No one that I know gets married wanting to get divorced. Marriage is hard work, give yourself grace and evaluate your life and how you want to live. Divorce is not the end of the road but the start of an exciting adventure of self-discovery. Give yourself permission to be happy and go after your hopes and dreams.