Learn Their Language 🥰

The last Saturday of my children’s holiday break, I was tired. We were home following a ski trip that we left for the day after Christmas and returned late that Friday night just before the clock stuck 12 for the New Year. Still running on mountain time, my nine-year-old was nowhere near ready for bed when I was ready to crash.

When we discussed our different energy levels and sleep needs that night, he suggested that I should go to bed and he would play in his room with his new Christmas toys until he was tired enough to fall asleep. He had this gleam in his eye and a slight smile that told me he was super excited about this plan. He’s never gotten to stay up past mom before. He had newfound freedom, and he could not get me tucked into bed fast enough.

I was a little nervous about his plans, given his level of excitement. However, my teen son was still awake, and I knew he would long outlast the nine-year-old, so I was pretty confident the house would remain standing.

He put me to bed and said he would only stay up until 4 am. About 1 am, I felt him crawl on the other side of my bed and quickly fall asleep. He thought he was being sneaky, and this might have been his big plan all along. After all, my bed is his favorite place to hang out, eat, chat with friends, do school during Covid, etc. I think I have made it too comfy, and he is always trying to take it over.

The following day when I woke up way before anyone else, I was slightly annoyed to find all the lights in the house left on. We had a conversation the night before about turning off the lights before going to bed, which is an ongoing conversation I keep having with my teens.

As I was making my coffee, I found a note by the sink in adorable nine-year-old handwriting that said he had done all the dishes because mom is awesome. Since October, our dishwasher has been out of order, waiting for KitchenAid to honor their warranty and fix it. So, mom has been doing a lot of dishes the last few months. Helping mom was what his sneaky smile was all about and how he spent the couple hours he got to stay up past mom.

His kind act of service spoke to my heart. My nine-year-old is fully aware of his mom’s love language, and what a great reminder at the New Year how important it is to connect with the people we love in a meaningful way to them. It’s true that when you do things that speak to someone’s love language, it fills them up with happiness and gratitude.

A few years ago, I read the books The 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman. When I started connecting to my children through their love language, I noticed a change in each of them. I took time to say I see you and you are important. They were filled with love and seemed happier. They became more agreeable, and we had fewer discipline issues. I made it a goal to do something that speaks to their love language every day. Sometimes all it takes is a text or a few words of affirmation before they walk out the door to face the world. I will make it part of my New Year’s goals to reread this book and again commit to connecting with the people I love the most. Chapman’s, The 5 Love Languages that refers to adult relationships is also a good read.

Confidently Raise Teen Daughters

I have already posted about relating to your teenage son, but as you know, I also have a teen daughter. Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated. I want better for her. I want her to be stronger, more confident, and able to go fiercely, unapologetic into the world to accomplish all her dreams and goals. The closest I have come to an instruction manual for teenage girls is Lisa Damour’s book Untangled.

From Damour’s book, I have learned how to reasonably set boundaries and have tough conversations that my daughter understands and respects. All the essential topics are covered, including the infamous eye roll and how to handle it, romantic relationships, mental health, and transitioning her safely to college.

Damour’s wisdom and expertise have helped me build a solid foundation with my daughter that will last a lifetime. This would be a dream author I would love to have lunch with and ask so many questions. I can’t get enough of her advice and expertise. I would bring my book with all its highlights and handwritten notes. This is an excellent read for both moms and dads.

Relating to Teen Sons

A magical thing happened one evening; my 14-year-old son smiled and laughed. He was at one time the happiest, go-lucky kid that adored me and showered me with hugs and cuddles. Then, he turned 13. I’ve heard the same story from several other moms. Although I know he loves me and still randomly gives me hugs, he is no longer a boy but a mini man. I feel like this happened overnight. My other two children are eager to spend time with me and chat endlessly. I realize I don’t have much in common with this mystery of teenage boy, so relating to him takes more thought and energy. I made it part of my New Year’s resolution to figure out how a mother relates to a teen son? Here’s what I discovered.

He still needs his mom to be his mom. He wants me there to reach out for a hug and occasionally some of his childhood traditions that belong to just the two of us. I’m not going to disclose those because embarrassing him does not create a closer bond. He won’t tell me, but he still thrives on hearing I love you and I’m proud of you, although now many of those are sent through text.

If you want your teen son to take action on something or respond, send a text. This also works if you want him to stop picking on his little brother or empty the dishwasher. I can speak these words a dozen times or send one text, and there is no nagging or complaining.

Feed him. Better yet, buy his favorite foods and hang out in the kitchen a couple of hours after dinner. Don’t offer to make it for him! The magical part is that he has to stay in the kitchen, and you can chat while preparing his second dinner. In the summer and during a pandemic, this same routine happens at about midnight.

Watch what they watch. Even better, take the time to sit with your son while they are watching. This was advice from a good friend, and it’s true. So now we have a show that we watch together every week, and my son is always delighted to show me the latest YouTuber he is obsessed with or a fantastic world he found in Minecraft. It may not be something I would be interested in on my own; however, I find myself getting hooked and asking questions.

Go to a trivia night and be on a team together. I discovered this accidentally when we went out to eat one night. I somehow impressed him with my knowledge of hockey and current events, and I was so impressed when he guessed James Patterson as an answer just because it’s his favorite author, and it was right! Who knew he co-authored a book with Bill Clinton? We still laugh about that.

My best advice is to hug them every chance they reach out to you. They are stuck between kids and adults and still want to know their mom is there when they need you. Hang in there. I hear that they won’t be so alien-like in a few years and will return to the sweet boy you once knew. I’ll be holding onto hope that that is true!